Sportsfan1, you make some very good points. There are certainly coaches out there who are (in my opinion) way over the top. I agree that some are downright abusive and should be flogged at the complex flagpole before being run out of town on a rail…but I digress. (I can’t wait to see the picture Jmeskral finds for that one….)
But please indulge me while I elaborate on some of the issues that go along with your concerns. We need to remember that as a softball community we embrace the concept of our daughters playing “competitive” ball. In the course of my daughter’s softball career we met many players and parents with dreams of softball scholarships to wonderful schools. They spent tons of money, not to mention time, for that fantasy. They put their daughters on some of the most competitive teams they could find to achieve that dream. Unfortunately that level of play is almost impossible to attain in a kind and gentle way. The most successful coaches, who produce the most successful players, are very aggressive. They push their players to achieve their highest level of play. If we think they are rough, we need to look at the expectations and antics of college coaches - they are far from the warm and fuzzy individuals we would like to think they are. In a very real sense, if a player cannot stand an aggressive coach and quits competitive ball, the coach has probably done the player and and her family a favor. Life is too short to be miserable. Most of the girls we met in competitive ball (and there were some very talented ones) that went on to play college ball hated it and gave it up. Certainly some of them loved it and it provided a great opportunity, but most were very disappointed. These young ladies didn’t understand the realities of playing at the highest level; that it is very demanding, you have to push yourself, you will spend a huge amount of your time training, and frankly, you may not have the natural born athletic talent to compete at that level. As an aside, many of those who gave up college ball told us they were most worried about disappointing their parents. Do any of us really want our kids to be miserable because they are living out our desires? I hope not
As parents we need to take responsibility for the positions into which we place our children. There’s a few questions we need to honestly answer:
1. What does our daughter want to achieve from softball?
a. Many girls just want a social forum. In fact the social structure of a team often takes precedent over the athletic endeavor (whether the parents realize it or not).
b. I’ve coached many girls who would say “I want to be the catcher.” I would ask them why and often found (after some digging) that they only wanted to “be” the catcher. They wanted to put on the gear and say they were the catcher. They really didn’t want to get hot and dirty or have to use their bodies to stop wild pitches. Needless to say, they didn’t make very good catchers. Does your daughter want to play softball or does she just want to be on a softball team. Does she want to “be” or does she want to “act?” If she wants to be, don’t put her on a competitive team where an aggressive coach is going to try to force her to a level she really does not want to aspire.
c. If your daughter’s needs and true desires are not consistent with a highly competitive team avoid the competitive coaches like the plague.
2. What do you want for your daughter?
a. Do not think of your daughter’s softball as a supplemental college education fund. 999 times out of 1,000 you will be very disappointed.
b. We often hear about softball teaching lessons for life. Is ‘win at all costs’ the lesson you want your daughter to learn from softball? Is it compassion and sportsmanship? Is it that teamwork and playing with others is paramount? Certainly these are not mutually exclusive, but the emphasis of the team is what’s important.
3. Will the coach on my daughter’s team meet those objectives?
a. I’ve seen many players bounce from team to team to team and never find the right fit. It’s because they haven’t defined what they want. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but I often wonder “why did you put your daughter on this guy’s team in the first place?”
b. Obviously, you can’t do much for the coaches your daughter’s team will face, but if everyone took the time to screen coaches, coaches would quickly learn that their ways were not acceptable.
4. Pick the level of play, the team, and the coach that will serve your needs.
a. Far too often people blindly get on teams without ever giving a passing thought to how the coach acts or how the team interacts.
b. Get on the team that’s right for your daughter.
5. Finally, throw away the bunk you hear about the different levels.
a. There is nothing wrong with your daughter playing rec ball. There is nothing wrong with her playing at the B level. Don’t listen to the people who will tell you that only A ball matters. Ignore them: focus on your daughter’s happiness. They may be very misguided about what their daughter really wants. If your daughter is truly an A ball player, fine, put her on an A team.
b. In the long run, the level at which you daughter plays softball probably does not make a bit of difference.
c. Expect that the coaches at higher levels will be pretty intense and exactly as you have described here
Again, I do not mean to defend bad sportsmanship or outrageous acts by coaches. I would, however, emphasize that as parents there is a lot we can do to make sure our daughters get what we want from the softball experience.
